If You Give a Dunmer a Bunny
by Winters-Dawn1221
Summary: Brynjolf's day wasn't going too well and all he wanted was to go to bed. That is, until he discovers that Jolinar Telvanni, the newest thief in the Flagon, has gone bunny crazy. And Sapphire's helped her. What will Mercer do when he enters Bunny mania?


Disclaimer: I don't own the Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim or the Thieves Guild. Those belong to Bethesda Game Studios. I do own Jolinar though.

A/N: Don't ask, please don't

I have no idea what possessed me to do this. Just... Read and please review. This is a stand alone one-shut, so it's up to you whether or not Jolinar gets Black Sacramented by Mercer.

_*'*_

Jolinar bounced into the Ragged Flagon where Brynjolf sat playing Monopoly with Delvin and Vipir.

"Sup Bryn," Jolinar greeted.

"Eh, sorry lass, I've got important things to do, maybe another time," Brynjolf said, waving off the Dunmer.

"Dang, I was just sent to Jail!" Delvin complained. "Bale me out, Vex?"

"Not on your life," the Imperial said, going to sit at the counter.

"Brynjolf, I have a question," Jolinar said persistently.

"What?" Brynjolf asked as Vipir bought Board Walk.

"How do you feel about bunnies?"

Brynjolf stared at her. "What... What kind of bunnies are you talking about, lass?"

She shrugged, tugging at a loose strand of unnaturally blonde hair. "I dunno... The white, fluffy childish kind!"

"Which white, fluffy childish kind are you talking about?"

"Brynjolf!"

"I'm not sure that's a type of bunny," Brynjolf chuckled, much to Jolinar's immense displeasure.

Tonilia glared at Brynjolf and threw an apple at his head.

"Ow!"

"Brynjolf, just be serious!" She admonished.

The red headed Nord sighed and looked at the pouting Dunmer with dark red eyes brimming with tears. "Well, Jolinar, I... I don't really know much about them. I'm not a circus bunny handler or... Or whatever the bloody devil that is." He smiled at her sheepishly but Jolinar just stared at him, bored.

"Well, do you think Mercer likes bunnies?"

The entire bar stopped what they where doing and stared at her, except Vipir, who took the opportunity to swipe some of Delvin's Monopoly money.

"I," Brynjolf looked around nervously, waiting for someone else to answer the question. When no one did, he looked back at the eager yet oblivious girl. "I don't really know."

Jolinar sighed. "If you need me, I'll be in the cistern." She began walking towards the hidden entrance when she suddenly looked back. "Hey, did a giant, humongous, monstrously sized crate come in?"

Vekel nodded. "I had Dirge move it near the waterfall."

"Thank you!" Jolinar made to leave before stopping once more. "Where's Mercy?"

"He's fishing out on the lake," Vex said, pulling the crust off her bread.

"Great!" And with that, Jolinar Telvanni disappeared.

There was a collective sigh throughout the entire bar.

"That girl is crazy," Dirge muttered, earning an apple in the head from Tonila.

A couple hours later, Brynjolf stumbled into the cistern, tired and moody. Vipir has whipped both him and Delvin at Monopoly and frankly it was embarrassing.

He had eyes only for his bed...

...except, his bed wasn't what he saw.

The entire room, formerly dreary, drafty, damp, and dirty was now white, warm, fluffy, pink, and fuzzy! Everything was decorated with flowers and, Brynjolf cringed, bunnies.

"I... Eh, wha - JOOOLIIINAAARRR TEEELVAAANNIII!"

The aforementioned Dark Elf popped out from behind the Alchemy station, which had cartoony flowers all over it. "Yep?"

"What in all of Mara's mercy have you done to this place?" He asked, voice high and eyebrows twitching uncontrollably.

"Well, I..."

"Hey, Jolinar, do you think I should put a stuffed bunny on everyone's beds?" None other than the tough, no nonsense girl Sapphire asked, appearing with both arms full of fluffy children's stuffed animals.

"Sap-Sapphire?" Brynjolf squeaked.

"Oh, hey Bryn!" She nodded in his direction before looking back at Jolinar. "Well?"

"Yeah, save the blue one for Mercer," she nodded, attaching spinning flowers to the front of the aforementioned Guild Master's desk.

Sapphire moved towards the beds, which were made up with sheets in girly pastels and patterns instead of the normal brown and grey furs. She placed a fluffy bunny in front of each giant, pink heart shaped pillow. Brynjolf froze when he saw the bed belonging to the intimidating Mercer Frey. Soft, pale purple covers and a large deep red velvety pillow in a very unmistakable shape.

A pair of plump, soft, perfectly shaped lips. No pun intended.

Jolinar Telvanni was dead.

"Uh, Lass..."

"Yes Brynjolf?" Jolinar called from where she was now hanging shimmering hippy door curtains in front of the doorway to the training room.

"Is... Is Mercer privy to this... Change in decor?"

Sapphire and Jolinar both stopped and stared at him, then each other, and then him again.

"This is his Christmas Present," Sapphire nodded.

"It's not Christmas, Lassie, much less Evening Star," Brynjolf stated, suddenly becoming worried for the two girls' wellbeing.

"It's Mercy's birthday?" Jolinar tried feebly.

The red head sighed. "If Mercer doesn't know then you can just say so."

"What don't I know - what in the name of Stendarr's strutting south Cyrodilic slaughter fish have you done to my Guild?!"

The Three Thieves turned around to face their scowling Guild Master, who stood in fishing waders on the plush pink, flowery door mat at the base of the ladder with a string of a dozen salmon over his shoulder.

"I had nothing to do with this," Brynjolf quickly stated, trying to insure his continued survival.

"I was only helping," Sapphire said, scurrying behind a white whicker changing screen.

Mercer's terrifying gaze fell upon Jolinar, who only smiled, not noticing his obvious disapproval of the new design.

"What did you do?" He hissed, despite the evidence of her deeds surrounding them.

"I tried to order a couple of tons of Moon Sugar from Elsweyr so I could make the ultimate Sweetroll," Jolinar explained with a shrug. "But they wrote back and said all they had were bunny decorations. I figured that we could do a little decorating before I found some Moon Sugar to make my Ultimate Sweetroll recipe."

"You did this for a SWEETROLL?" Mercer and Brynjolf exclaimed in union. Brynjolf sounded flabbergasted and slightly confused, Mercer sounded...

"You're really ticked off right now, you are," Sapphire muttered, staring wide eyed at the fuming Breton.

"I think the term is 'you're as angry as a revenge crazy Orc, you are'," Brynjolf corrected.

Jolinar and Mercer, however, did not pay attention to the two Nords' conversation. They simply stared at each other. Mercer's nostrils were flared, his cheeks were red, and steam was coming out of his ears as little orange fires danced in his eyes. Jolinar appeared the total opposite of this, what with her manic grin, laughing eyes, and bouncy demeanor, she could have been a five year old on a sugar high.

She was probably already on a sugar high...

Mercer growled like a rabid canine. "Did. You. Touch. My. Stuff?"

Jolinar looked at Sapphire and they both smiled - abate nervously - at each other before shrugging.

"A little bit," they said in union before Jolinar burst into giggles and Sapphire started jumping in place.

Mercer yelled something unintelligible before running towards where all his precious stuff (or what he kept in the Cistern and not in Riftweald Manor) was kept.

Sapphire, Jolinar, and Brynjolf stared at each other expectantly.

"Three..."

"Two..."

"...One!"

"JOLINAR VIOLET AREN TELVANNI!"

Dust and cobwebs fell from the ceiling, some landing in Brynjolf's hair.

Mercer reappeared, foaming at the mouth. He started trudging towards Jolinar, who despite everything, was still smiling.

"Do you like it?" She asked, smiling innocently.

Ignoring her question, Mercer spoke. "Do you know why I have contacts in the Dark Brotherhood, Telvanni?" He growled.

"Because, um... I don't know. Why?" For the first time that afternoon, Jolinar looked troubled.

"They're there to be used when I have someone who annoys me," Mercer said stiffly.

To Brynjolf's confusion, Jolinar nodded in understanding before giving him a pointed look. "I understand, Mercy, Brynjolf has been rather boring lately. He's no fun to hang around anymore."

"What?" Sapphire raised an eyebrow and Brynjolf stared at the blonde Dunmer, aghast.

Mercer's eye twitched and it seemed like he was trying very hard not to face palm. "I'm talking about you, Telvanni!"

Realization seemed to finally dawn on Jolinar and she began to shift around uneasily.

"I'm giving you three seconds to get out of my sight or else!"

Jolinar ran towards the ladder, probably to find a horse to ride to Winterhold so she could complain to her father about 'annoying boys who don't like bunnies and don't understand sweetrolls'.

The three remaining guild members stood there for a couple of minutes before Sapphire cleared her throat. "You are going to let her come back, right?"

"Of course I am, but only after she's gone for several - several - weeks," Mercer snapped, before beginning to walk towards the door to the bar, salmon still dangling in a string over his shoulder. Sapphire gave him a bored look before bouncing off to the ladder, possibly to either tell Jolinar when she could come back or to steal her own Sweetroll.

Brynjolf sighed, quite put out and even more tired than before.

"And Brynjolf!" Mercer called back. "Clean up the Cistern. I want it back to the way it was by midnight!"

Brynjolf moaned, cursing bunnies, Sweetrolls, and Dunmer thieves as he began to repair the 'damage'.


End file.
